I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
