i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
