I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Randomize
