Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
