I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
