Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
