my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
