I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
