Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
