and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
