We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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