I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
