I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
