did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
