My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
