Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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