Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
