I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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