Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
