Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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