I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
