Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
