i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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