I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
