1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
