Cold hands, warm shart.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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