I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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