whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
