I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
