Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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