I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
