i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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