I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
