I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
