also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sobbing to NWA
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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