when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
