Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Randomize
