Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
