remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
