She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
