I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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