Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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