I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
