I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
