We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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