You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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