Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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