Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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