I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
