I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
