You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
