u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
