So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
